


cause i built my life around you

by wesawbears



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Complicated relationship dynamics, F/M, Found Family, Gen, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Queerplatonic Relationships, that all eventually work out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wesawbears/pseuds/wesawbears
Summary: The story of Alex and Luke falling together, apart, and back together, in different ways.--AKA Luke and Alex are platonic soulmates, and Luke has a lot of complicated feelings about how they used to date. Told in four cycles, going back and forth between the past and present.
Relationships: Alex/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Comments: 36
Kudos: 304





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is for everyone who grew up in the heyday of Big Time Rush and High School Musical and are using Julie and the Phantoms to chase that high. This was inspired by a conversation between me and @violetchachkii about the song "7 Things" by Miley Cyrus. Not a song fic, but each vignette is loosely based on a lyric.

I. 1993

It starts with a box.

They have to choose partners for some English project. Luke was barely paying attention, much more content scribbling song lyrics in his notebooks. But suddenly, there’s a box in his face and he’s being told to draw a name for his partner. He does and it reads, in neat, boxy letters “Alex Roberts”. He looks up to see a boy staring at him, with floppy blonde hair and a bright pink hoodie. 

He waves and the other boy- Alex, he guesses, walks over. He’s taller than Luke, not that that’s difficult, but clearly still growing into his height and unsure how to carry himself. He hunches his shoulders, like he’s perpetually nervous about banging his head on an unseen doorway.

“Luke?’

He nods. “That’s me. You know, you have two first names?

Alex scoffs. “Easy for you to say, Luke Peterson.”

“Patterson.”

“Your handwriting sucks.”

Luke laughs, drawn in by Alex’s nervous smile as he says it. He doesn’t look like the type who’s used to the teasing that goes on between guys, but then again, Luke doesn’t have a lot of friends either, usually too lost in his lyrics and his music. Alex seems easy enough to talk to though.

“I like your hoodie.” It’s bright. Luke likes bright colors, all things flashy and dramatic. His parents wish he would stick to muted sweaters and respectable clothes, but fashion remains another area where he’s just a disappointment.

Alex looks surprised. Luke realizes there probably aren’t that many guys who love pink, or at least not many willing to admit it. “Thanks. I like your buttons.”

Luke looks down at his jacket and grins. “You like rock?”

“Yeah. I...play the drums actually.”

Luke’s smile widens. “No shit?”

“No…”

“I play guitar. We should jam together!”

They sit and instead of planning their project, they talk for the rest of the class period about bands and influences. Luke doesn’t think he’s talked this much in months, if he’s honest. 

He’s awake for too many hours that night, writing as much as he can, until his mom tells him to turn off the light and go to bed. And if it’s hard to tell the butterflies from the writing jitters...he can work with that.

II. 2020

“What’re you doing?”

Alex looks up and manages to look nonplussed. “Nothing.”

Luke raises an eyebrow. “You’re a shit liar.”

“Does everything have to be your business?”

“Alex, come on man. You’re not skipping out on practice to meet up with Willie again, are you?”

“...no.”

Luke swallows the hurt that causes. There was a time when he and Alex told each other everything. The idea that Alex feels like he needs to hide anything from him makes him want to throw up, but it just comes out as angry instead.

“Since when do we lie to each other, man? You know I don’t care. I said I was happy for you.”

“Luke…” Alex fidgets with his bracelet as he thinks about what to say. “Things have just been...intense lately. With the band. I knew you’d be upset if I said I wanted to skip.”

“We said band first. That our music is what matters. That’s why we’re here, Alex. We would be...who knows where, without our music, and Julie…”

“Then write music with Julie. You’ll be fine without me for a few hours.”

Luke knows he’s being irrational, and that Alex has the right to spend his time how he wants. But the sick jolt of fear that comes up whenever he can’t see him, that fear of something happening and being alone crawls up his spine and he doesn’t know what to do except to hold on tighter.

“Alex,” he tugs on his sleeve, only to have Alex move out of his hold. He looks immediately apologetic, but the damage is done.

“I’ve got to go.”

He watches Alex leave and lands on the couch in a huff. Reggie looks over at him. “He’ll come around.”

Luke sighs and pulls on his guitar. “We don’t need drums to practice.”

Reggie looks like he wants to say something more, but whatever he sees on Luke’s face must make him think better of it. “What do you think of this?”

He plays a new bass line and Luke immediately loses himself in coming up with a riff to put over it. “That’s sick!”

It’s hours later when Alex comes in, grabbing his sticks without a word. 

The drum line fits in seamlessly, and Luke ignores the way something inside him smooths over.

III. 1994

They never go to Alex’s house.

It takes him a few weeks to catch on to the pattern, but they hang out in three places: Luke’s house, the garage, and the park. It’s not that Luke minds, exactly. He just thinks it’s weird how Alex goes all jittery whenever the idea of going to his house is brought up. He knows Alex and his parents don’t have the best relationship, but neither does Luke and his, and he still brings him around.

By this point, they’ve found a bassist. Reggie is a cool dude, who fits right in. He has a weird sense of humor, but he’s nice and funny and can really play. For the first time, Luke really feels like there’s something there, like the music that pulses inside him could actually go somewhere, and be something. They’ve started practicing pretty regularly and that garage is his second home.

He’s waiting for the guys to show up, scribbling down some last minute lyrics. He hears Reggie chatting away and looks up. “Hey guys! I’ve got a killer idea, check it out-”

Reggie rushes over and clasps his hand excitedly. “Dude, that’s awesome! Alex was just telling me about a beat that would work great with this…”

“Where were you guys anyway?”

Reggie ignores the way Alex fidgets. “We were just hanging out at Alex’s for a little while. His mom makes really good cookies-”

Alex coughs and Reggie’s talking dies down. “So, uh, music? Yeah?”

Luke nods, ignoring the way his heart’s thumping away in his chest. He casts a look over at Alex, who just mouths “sorry” before sitting at his drums. 

Luke strums at his guitar anxiously, grateful when Reggie follows his lead and he’s able to lose himself in the music for a little while. 

Eventually, Reggie says he has to go, before his parents get worried. Alex goes to follow, but Luke tugs him back.

“Luke, I-”

“I get it. You don’t have to explain it to me. Reggie’s a lot more fun-”

“Luke, no. You’re my-you’re my best friend.”

“Then what? Worried I’ll scare your parents?” He waggles his eyebrows teasingly, but Alex swallows. “Dude, seriously?”

“You’re...intense. And I don’t want them to think…”

“Think what? That I’m a bad influence?”

“I don’t want them to think I’m gay.”

Luke stops. “Oh.”

Alex is quiet for a minute, and Luke doesn’t know what to say to fill the silence. When he finally speaks, it’s too loud. “Are you?”

“Yeah. I am.”

“Okay.”

Alex looks up. “Okay?”

Luke shrugs. “Yeah. Okay. You’re still the best drummer I know. And you’re still my best friend.”

Alex nods and moves forward to hug him. Luke closes his eyes and squeezes. The part of his heart that had dislodged itself moves back into place. Alex is warm against him and the butterflies are back. He ignores them in favor of holding on tighter.

IV. 2020

After Luke’s tantrum, Alex seems to at least try to hang out more. He even compromises by bringing Willie to the studio one day. He really is a cool dude. Luke hadn’t been lying when he said he was happy for Alex. It had just been outweighed with the fear of Alex moving on without him, of him going somewhere Luke couldn’t follow. But his panic had subsided and they relaxed around the couch, telling stupid jokes and old stories.

“You had purple hair?” Willie asks, incredulous, after Reggie finishes telling a story. 

Alex’s blush takes up his whole face. “It was a deal.”

Willie sits up. “Come on, man. Details!”

Alex sighs and looks at Luke, who just smirks. “Alex said that I would be too chicken to dance with him.”

Willie raises an eyebrow. “Rookie move.”

“I know, right?”

Luke drifts away into his memory.

\--

_“You going to the dance later?” Alex asked, hands in his pockets._

_Luke shrugged. “Nah. Dances are lame.”_

_“Yeah...yeah, for sure.”_

_“Why- did you wanna go?”_

_“I mean...it’s not a big deal…”_

_“No! If you wanna go…”_

_Alex started to get that panicked look on his face, the one where he looked like he had just swallowed a rock. “Let’s just go to the garage.”_

_He nodded. Reggie had opted to go to the dance with his latest crush, Marissa, so it was just them for the night. He was excited to have a night just to chill with Alex, without the pressure of rehearsal, but his stomach was in knots. He’d been trying to fend off these butterflies for months, but they just seemed to be a permanent fixture at this point._

_They made it back and Luke immediately flopped back on the couch. Alex looked hesitant, until Luke patted the space next to him. Alex sat, a little hesitantly, but Luke laid his feet in his lap, hoping to break some of the tension._

_“So…”_

_“So.”_

_“Did you just not want to dance around people?”_

_“No…”_

_“Then what?”_

_When Alex was quiet, Luke started to wiggle his feet. “Come on...I’ll stick my foot in your face if you don’t tell me.”_

_Alex batted at his foot while Luke laughed. “You’re so annoying.”_

_Luke beamed. “You like it.”_

_Alex mumbled something, but Luke couldn’t quite hear it._

_“What?”_

_Alex sighed. “I said, I didn’t think you would want to dance.”_

_Luke stopped. “I mean...I don’t. But I would...for you.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah!”_

_“But you hate that kind of thing.”_

_“I do. But you like it. And you’re important to me.”_

_Alex gave him a look. “So if I wanted to dance...with you. You’d do it?”_

_Luke squirmed a little. “Well...maybe I’d ask for a little something in return.”_

_“What?”_

_Luke stood and bit his lip. “I dunno...dye your hair purple!”_

_Alex laughed. “What?”_

_“Just for a day!”_

_“Luke…”_

_He walked up and wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist. It felt like moving closer to a precipice he hadn’t named- dangerous, in a way. But it didn’t feel wrong. Nothing with Alex ever felt wrong._

_Alex moved to wrap his arms around him in turn. He swallowed, but made the move to rock them back and forth. It felt awkward, his limbs too long to hold everything inside him, but he never wanted to move._

\--

“And you just did it?” Wille asks, bringing Luke back to the present.

“I mean...yeah. Fair is fair,” Alex answers.

Willie laughs. “I bet you looked pretty cute.”

Alex blushes and turns towards Willie. Luke curls away into his sweatshirt. In his memory, they’d never been closer. Now, they were far apart.


	2. Chapter 2

V. 1994

In the weeks that followed the dance, Luke had been jittery. He’d thrown himself into writing more songs, practicing more often, to try to not think about it felt dancing with Alex. Hands on his waist. It had been...nice. Safe.

He knew what it meant that he felt this way. He knew Alex was gay, and he knew that he liked...people. He felt the same way looking at girls as he did boys. It wasn’t something he felt the need to talk about. It had never been relevant. Luke knew he was different, and that the picket fence life his parents had dreamed up for him would never be a reality, so he didn’t really think they needed to have that conversation. He knew naming it was important to Alex, though.

A few months ago, before Alex had come out to him, he remembers Alex casually bringing up a march in DC, full of people like him. Like them. It had been one of the first times he’d heard the word “bi”. He didn’t see what use telling his parents would be though. They would probably just see it as another strange artist’s quirk they assumed he would grow out of eventually. They weren’t as religious as Alex’s parents, but they wouldn’t exactly be jumping for joy either.

His jitters weren’t about the fact that he had feelings for a boy. Rather, it was that the line between friend and more was so thin with Alex, it was hard to tell what was crossing a boundary. Luke had always been a touchy person- did Alex want to touch him, or was it just friendly? Worse, what if things went wrong? Would he lose his best friend?

Soon, his notebook was full of lyrics, disjointed thoughts about friendship and first love and identity. He wasn’t actually going to use any of it. The band didn’t do romantic songs. It was just a way for him to work through everything in his head without losing it completely.

They’re sitting in his room doing homework when Alex groans. “If I look at another number, I’m gonna puke.”

Luke glances at his notebook, where he was pretending to scribble math problems, but was really working on a song. “Yeah. Me too.”

“Let me see what you got for number 8,” Alex asks, reaching for his notebook.

Luke jolts back like he’s been burned. “Uh…”

“Come on. We both suck at math, you don’t need to be embarrassed.”

“I’m not…”

Alex smiles. “You’re writing, aren’t you?”

Luke coughs. “Yup. Caught me.” He hopes Alex will drop it after that, but he’s not so lucky. If anything, it just piques Alex’s interest more.

“Lemme see!”

He pushes at Alex as he reaches for the notebook, but Alex is taller and broader and able to catch him. He tries to lick Alex’s hand to startle him, but Alex just laughs and catches his hands above his head, grabbing the abandoned notebook.

Luke glares at him, but Alex just holds his hand while he reads the contents of his stolen goods. His face changes as he realizes what Luke’s writing about and he feels his heart drop into his stomach.

“Who’s this about, Luke?”

Luke swallows. “No one. Come on, man, give it back.”

Alex does, smile fading. This is it, Luke thinks. The moment of truth.

He opens his mouth to confess, when Alex interrupts. “Is it Reggie?”

“Reggie?” What. “What?”

“Who you have a crush on. The...song. Is it about Reggie?”

“...no. Dude. No.”

“Oh.”

“Why do you think I have a crush on Reggie?”

Alex squirms. “I don’t know. The song’s about a guy, and the only guys you hang out with are me and Reggie. So…”

Luke blinks as he waits for Alex to figure it out.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s about…”

“Yeah.”

They sit in silence, save for the thumping of Luke’s heart that he can feel down to his fingertips. Slowly, Alex moves his hand toward Luke. It starts with their pinkies, but eventually their fingers are intertwined in Luke’s lap.

“This okay?”

Luke nods. He doesn’t feel nervous anymore.

VI. 2020

See, the thing is, Luke knows when he’s being an asshole. He’s never been good at keeping his opinions to himself, and his mouth tends to get him into trouble. This isn’t new.

He’s been feeling irritation prickling under his skin for weeks. And it sucks because he can’t even use the excuse of being tired because ghosts don’t get tired. They can “sleep”, sort of. But it doesn’t have any effect on how he feels. Instead, he just does what he always does and keeps writing and practicing. It helps on the weekends because then Julie is there more often than not and he doesn’t have to care about where Alex is. It’s annoying practicing without a drummer, but they make do. It’s easy with Julie, her intensity matching his.

When she’s at school, though, there’s nothing to keep him from fixating on everything else around him. He can only write and play for so long (contrary to what his 15 year old self would have thought). Alex spends the rest of his time either running around with Willie, or bringing Willie to the studio, and Luke feels cramped.

He watches Alex flit around the garage, humming once Willie’s left. He looks happy- happier than he’s seen him in a long time. And he’s happy, he is. But that irrational fear of being left behind lingers and he just- snaps.

He takes his stuff and poofs up to the loft, which is somehow more and less dramatic than storming up there. Reggie rolls his eyes and Alex stares up at him. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing. Just wanted some alone time.”

“Hey!” Reggie calls. “I am great company.”

“It’s not you, Reggie. Luke is just being a drama queen.”

“I am not! Some of us don’t have ghost boyfriends to run around with.”

Alex nods and does that thing where his mouth twists likes he’s eaten a lemon. “Right. Well, when you get over yourself, let me know.”

He poofs out, showing that two can play at that game.

He hears Reggies’ faint “Guys…” in the background but he just rolls over in his beanbag. Being dead entitles him to be a little dramatic.

VII. 1994

It’s been three weeks since the hand holding event. Since then, it’s become almost a reflex. Whenever he feels too much, he’ll reach for Alex’s hand, and Alex does the same when he’s anxious. It’s stopped feeling strange and has melted into soft familiarity. They sit together on the couch and Alex will run his fingers through Luke’s hair while Luke drums his fingers against Alex’s hand. Reggie teases them incessantly, but insists he’s happy for them. 

Luke still isn’t really sure what this thing is, or even if it is a thing yet, but it’s nice and it’s easy so for once Luke doesn’t feel the need to complicate it.

Life, of course, complicates things for him. They decide to get ice cream after a good practice. It’s the last week of September, and it’s a last hurrah of summer, before October comes and things get real. It’s also their senior year, and with how the band is going, they’re not even sure they’re going to make it until graduation, so they’re holding as tight to the rituals of normal teenage life as they can.

He laughs as Reggie gets a massive brain freeze and hops around as though he can escape his ice cream.

Alex huffs a laugh. “Didn’t think you could get brain freeze.”

Reggie stops. “Why?”

“Didn’t know there was enough brain to freeze.”

Reggie gawps as Alex and Luke laugh, before he charges forward to try and get Alex to stumble. Despite his height, Alex dives behind Luke, who catches the brunt of Reggie’s ice cream to the chest.

He clutches his shirt dramatically. “You got me. I’m...I see the light.” He starts to descend towards the ground, only to have Alex catch him and grab his hand, laughing. “Could you see the light somewhere other than on top of me.”

“No. You’re very comfortable to die on, actually.”

Alex groans and Luke squeezes his hand. He’s laughing so hard he almost doesn’t hear the shout from the side street.

Alex goes still at the sound of that word and Luke feels him shake away from his grip. He can’t move and he doesn’t know what to do to comfort him and the only thing he has to comfort himself just pulled away.

Reggie is the one who pulls himself together enough to yell back, “Only love! Jerks!”

Luke smiles at the effort. Thankfully it was just some random drunk assholes, but Luke’s struck with the thought- what if next time it was someone from school? Or someone who wanted to fight? He wants to spiral, but he sees Alex panicking and sits up. He can be strong for Alex.

“Whatever, man. They’re gonna be stuck here forever, while we see the world. They’re just low lifes.”

Alex swallows and he sees the beginnings of tears in his eyes. Which...Luke hates seeing people cry. He hates the helpless feeling of not knowing what to say, and he especially hates feeling like he can’t fix it.

So he runs his useless mouth instead. “C’mon, Alex, it’s not a big deal-”

“It is a big deal, Luke.”

“Why do you care what a bunch of losers say about you?”

“I just do. Not all of us are good at hiding our feelings.”

“That’s not fair-”

“I’m going home.”

Alex turns and walks away and Luke feels every step settle in his gut like lead.

Reggie puts a hand on his shoulder. “He didn’t mean it. He’s just scared.”

“I know. Thanks for trying, Reg.”

He nods. “I’ve gotta get home. You wanna come?”

He hears what he doesn’t say, which is, ‘do you want to be alone right now?’, so he shakes his head. “I’ll be fine. Just gonna sleep it off.”

Sure enough, the next day, they walk from school to the studio and Alex presses his hand against Luke’s like an apology. He laces their fingers tighter.

VIII. 2020

Luke doesn’t know how long he’s been laying in the beanbag for (being dead has a funny way of messing with your sense of time), but he eventually hears footsteps. Reggie came up earlier to check on him, but he could tell the heavy thud of Alex’s footsteps anywhere. He rolls over.

“I’m sorry. I was a jerk.”

“It happens,” Alex says, sitting next to him. “I’m not...ignoring you. I just really like Willie. You know what that’s like.”

Luke ignores the thump in his heart. “I do.”

“But... you’re my family, Luke. You and Reggie. Always.”

“I know.”

Alex holds his hand out and Luke takes it. He hadn’t realized until that night hugging Julie how hard it was to not be able to feel things the same way. He’s hugging and clasping at Alex and Reggie all the time to try and get close to it. 

“It’s like...what you and Julie have. I don’t mind when you spend time with her.”

“Yeah, but that’s different-” he stops as Alex raises an eyebrow. “Okay. It’s not different. I’m a jerk.”

Alex laughs and scoots him over in the beanbag. “At least you can admit it.”

There’s not quite enough room, so he curls into Alex’s side. It feels almost like it did years ago. It feels almost like being alive.

“I think...it’s Julie is still part of us. Like, she just...fits.”

“Willie could fit too. He wants you to like him.”

“Have you told him? About…”

“About us back then? Yeah. He doesn’t care. He says lifer rules don’t apply. We take love where we can get it.”

He nods. It’s a nice idea. Him and Julie and Alex and Willie and Reggie. His parents would have a heart attack at the idea of him basically living-loosely-in an artist’s commune. The thought makes him laugh.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he says, settling against Alex’s side. “Nothing at all.”


	3. Chapter 3

IX. 1995

“Dude, I’m tired. We’ve been practicing for four hours.”

Luke sweeps his hair out of his eyes. “Just one more run through.”

Bobby sighs and Reggie groans. Alex once again acts as the peacemaker. “Luke, come on. It’s getting late.”

Luke opens his mouth to answer, but is stopped by Alex giving him that look. He purses his lips. “Fine. But we need to tighten up the pre-chorus.”

Reggie grumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, “I’ll tighten your pre-chorus”, but Alex pinches his arm to quiet him.

They pack up their instruments and promise to come by the next afternoon. “I have to leave by 6 though. Homework calls.”

“See you later, man.”

Alex hangs back. He’s the only one that knows Luke doesn’t exactly have a home to go to anymore. And it’s not like Alex wants to be home much anymore if he can help it.

He flops on the couch. “You know, it wouldn’t kill you to relax.” He pulls on Luke’s shoulder until he tumbles back against Alex’s. He tilts his head up. 

“We have a shot. A real shot. You don’t make it big by ending practice early to do your homework.”

Alex nods and runs his hand through his hair. “You’re sure that’s why. Not…” he gestures at the studio around him, where Luke has the few belongings he managed to grab strewn about. The makeshift bed he’s made up in the loft. 

“I’m fine. It’s just a couple months. Besides, there are some perks.” He leans up to cup Alex’s cheeks and pull him into a kiss. The privacy of the studio has allowed them some more freedom and it’s nice not having to sneak kisses in his bedroom, terrified the whole time of his parents finding them.

But now, he’s able to relax as Alex pulls him closer. He smiles against his lips, letting himself be pulled in. It’s nice, not having to be in charge. Not having to think. He’s tired of fighting what he wants, tired of toning himself down to be what everyone else thinks he should be.

With Alex, there’s none of that. Just a soft, sure hand on his back and warmth and a forehead resting against his eyes as they laugh against each other.

He’s a little bit in love, and a lot afraid, but he keeps his voice steady. “Stay,” he asks.

And Alex does.

X. 2020

“What do you think of this?”

He plays a new riff he’s been trying out, and watches as a grin breaks out across Julie’s face. “That’s awesome. And then maybe if we add this over the top…”

She adds a keyboard line and Luke nods. “Yes! And then you come in with some lyrics...to be determined.”

She laughs, hand reaching towards his. There’s a slight spark as they brush over each other. After that night, they couldn’t touch fully yet, but they were getting closer. He smiles, her joy infectious.

She tilts her head, drawing him in closer. He always wants to be closer to her. “We can probably have something worked out by the end of the night.”

He hops up on the piano, ignoring her scoff. Despite her exasperation, he never feels too much with Julie. She matches his intensity, his drive, and he loves how simple it is. He wonders, not for the first time, if fate messed up having them be born so far apart, and that this was all just a...cosmic correction. He likes 2020. He thinks he would have liked being alive for it better, but he’s also seen how Bobby turned out, so maybe not.

She’s taught Reggie the ins and outs of Instagram, which he is currently engrossed in on the beanbag. Luke doesn’t get the appeal, but it’s still fun to watch her and Flynn come up with ways to market their music, with Reggie’s input. Now that they’re getting bigger, they’re having to get creative with ways to keep the guys from interview requests. Luke doesn’t mind though. It was never about any of that stuff. He gets to make music, and not much else, and that’s okay with him.

“Hey? Space case- do you wanna write this song today or not?” 

He shakes his head. “Yeah, definitely! Sorry.”

She smiles and rolls her eyes. “Boys.”

They work until she has to go inside for dinner. Reggie yells for her to sneak him some leftovers, to which she just rolls her eyes. Alex comes back from...wherever pretty soon after that. 

“Fun day?” he asks, leaning back on the couch and attempting to look casual.

“Yeah. It was good. You look...busy.”

“Yeah. We wrote a new song. And Reggie...instagrammed?” He’s still getting used to the way everyone makes everything a verb now. Julie had given them her old phone so she could message them if she needed something. Her dad thought she just had it as a backup.

Alex chuckles and sits next to him. “Well- can I hear it?”

“Hmm…”

He sits up and strums the first few chords. Alex joins in with a beat on his legs after a few minutes. They start to get into it before Reggie pipes up.

“Julie just texted that you guys need to be quiet. She told Ray she just forgot to turn the CD player off again.”

He looks at Alex and they laugh in unison. He ends up curling forward against Alex’s chest and his arms go around him, like magnets. 

XI. 1995

They booked a gig to the Orpheum.

At first, Luke thought it was just a pipe dream, but they got the notice that they were scheduled. Someone had heard their demo and vouched for them. It was really happening.

Luke almost breaks his bike with how fast he goes to get to the guys’ houses. If they thought he was intense before, they were in for it. They had a month to prep for the make or break gig of their lives. 

They practice until Luke’s afraid he’s going to break a string. He barely feels Alex’s hand on his, pulling him away from the guitar. He beams and surges up, crushing his lips to Alex’s. “The fucking Orpheum, man.”

Alex smiles and squeezes his hand a little tighter. He goes for another kiss, but Alex holds him back. “We gotta talk.” His eyes shift and Luke feels his mood plummet.

“What’s wrong? This is the best day of our lives.”

“We need to talk about us.”

“Why?”

Alex runs a hand through his hair. “If we get big...we have to think about what’s best for the band.”

“There are plenty of bands with people dating each other. Like Fleetwood Mac.”

Alex gives him a look. “We’re not Fleetwood Mac. And, uh...not the best example.”

He shrugs. “Still. We won’t break up. And even if we did, we’d still be friends.”

“What about when people start suspecting? Interviews? Are you ready for that?”

Luke pauses. “I don’t care about that. I care about the music. We can deal with the rest.”

“Luke…”

Luke bites his lip. “I love you.”

Alex clasps his hand. “I love you too. You’re- we’re family.”

“But you don’t want to do this anymore.” You don’t want me anymore, he thinks.

“You’re my best friend. I can’t risk that.”

Luke knows he’s right, is the worst part. He knew he couldn’t have Alex forever. Luke’s always wanted more of the world than it’s able to give. He’s thought for so long that if he could just play the right song, he could mold everything else to the way he wanted it to be.

But there’s no picket fences for him. No way to have everything he wants. He’s always known that. He knows he’s not the type to live happily ever after with someone, doesn’t even want that, really. Still, how do you mourn the person you were supposed to be?

Embarassingly, he feels his lip quiver. Alex looks panicked. “Luke, no, shit, don’t cry-”

“I’m fine. I promise. You’re right. It’s- it’s about the band.” He can do this.

“For the band.”

Luke stares their hands, still clenched together. He can do this. He just wants one more chance to be selfish.

“Tomorrow. We break up tomorrow.”

Alex nods and pulls him into a hug. “Okay.”

Luke kisses him and they fall back against the couch. Their kisses taste like salt and Luke pretends that if he tries hard enough he’ll stop time. 

XII. 2020

It’s Saturday again and they’re all together, this time going through some more of the old boxes in the loft.

Reggie puts on a dusty pair of sunglasses. “These are still cool.”

Julie raises an eyebrow. “Are they?”

Luke snatches them off his face. “They weren’t cool then, either.”

Reggie pouts. “They were! I made them work.”

Alex laughs and throws a pillow at him, initiating a fierce battle, easily won through Alex’s increased ability to hold things. Reggie almost topples over the loft, but poofs away before he can.

“What’s this?” Julie asks, holding up a bracelet.

“That’s mine,” Alex says, and walks over to look at it. “Whoa. I didn’t think it would hold together this long.”

“Where’d you get it?”

“Luke bought it for me.”

Luke remembers. He had gone to some street fair with his mom and the colors reminded him of Alex. He remembers how his fingers shook as he helped Alex tie it onto his wrist like a promise.

“See if it still fits!” Reggie yells from below. “Or, you know, if it turns to dust.”

He watches as Alex struggles to fasten it. Eventually, though, it fits, right above the armband he usually wears. “Look at that.”

Alex grins. “Like it was yesterday.”

Luke plays with the rings on his hand. The one is from Alex, right after that bracelet. It’s the closest he’s ever felt to belonging to someone. 

Alex looks up at him and glances at his hand. He stops fiddling with it. “Looks good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, man. It’s crazy that we found it after this long.”

Julie looks. “Why’d you stop wearing it?”

“They stopped when they broke up,” Reggie says, before immediately freezing. “Oh, shit, sorry…”

“You guys dated?”

Alex and Luke look at each other. Luke takes the initiative. “Yeah. For a little while. We figured it was best for the band.”

She nods and looks at him. Again, it’s a little like she can read his mind, and whatever she sees there, she just smiles. “That’s cool.”

“Yeah?” 

She shrugs. “Yeah. I mean, that you guys are still best friends.”

He nods and looks at Alex, who shrugs. 

“Yeah. We are. We’re family.”

Julie smiles again and digs back into the box. Luke walks over to Alex. “You don’t have to…”

“I want to. You still wear the ring.”

He looks down at his hand. “It just..feels like part of my hand at this point.”

Alex nods. “I like it.”

He bumps his hip against Alex’s and feels him relax against his side. It’s another perk of this future. He doesn’t have to feel his chest tighten whenever he’s near him. Things aren’t perfect, but he knows he’s not wrong. Different, but this is better than a picket fence.

Alex keeps the bracelet on.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached the end! Thank you for sticking with this jumble of thoughts. Maybe one day I'll write something coherent. I just really liked the idea of time for the boys being...slippery.
> 
> Leave a comment if you liked! I appreciate you all for reading!

XIII. 1995

A month passed faster than Luke thought it could, and soon enough, it was the night before their show at the Orpheum. They had been practicing to the point where Luke’s fingers were sore, but a little hard work now would equal a big reward later. It had to.

They stay the night in the studio, binging on pizza and feeding off of each other’s nervous energy. Eventually, Bobby and Reggie crash first, Reggie hanging off the couch in a way that he would surely regret in the morning. He lets out a particularly loud snore and Alex and Luke look at each other, barely stifling their shared laughter.

Luke inclines his head towards the loft, a question in his eyes. Alex nods, and they creep up the stairs, careful not to wake their bandmates. Luke flops into the beanbag, grinning up at Alex. “Tomorrow.”

Alex settles next to him. “Crazy. Don’t know how they’re sleeping.”

“Reggie could sleep through the apocalypse.”

“Probably.”

Alex is tapping an aimless rhythm against Luke’s thigh, so he reaches for his hand and holds it to him. “You’re thinking too much.”

Alex gives him a sideways glance, but keeps their hands entwined. “Someone has to, in this group.”

Luke chuckles and nudges his knee. “Shut up, man.”

Alex smiles and plays with his hand as he thinks. “What do you think it’s gonna be like?”

He thinks it over. “I dunno.” He always loses himself a little bit when he’s playing, and the performances pass too fast. They’ll finish a set and he’ll feel a little drunk, the edges hazy. He always relies on Alex to bring him back to reality after.

“What happens if it works?”

“You mean…”

“If we get huge. I guess I...haven’t thought that far.”

Luke shrugs. It wasn’t about the fame to him, but he guesses it’s worth thinking about a little. “We’ll figure it out. Together.”

Alex nods and looks at Luke for a moment before leaning over, just barely, to bring their lips together.

Luke moves back. “Alex...don’t.”

“Sorry. I just...it’s the last night of things being normal. I guess I wanted…”

“Me too.” All he wants is for Alex to kiss him again, but he knows it’ll just make it hurt more in the morning.

Then again, Luke’s always been a master of self-destruction, so he leans forward and kisses Alex again.

“Just tonight.”

XIV. 2020

Despite having almost nothing else to do, Luke and Alex haven’t actually been alone together much since coming back. It’s been good, giving Luke time to parse through how he feels about...everything.

But now that they actually are alone, Luke isn’t sure what to say. 

It’s been almost a year since they came back and Luke has started to settle into this new life. A lot of time to think about who he was, what he was here for. He can’t say there’s much he mourns for, now that his parents know what he was thinking. He’ll never get old, but having seen Bobby, he’s not particularly weeping about that. He’s here for music, and his friends, and it’s as close to ideal as he guesses things could be.

But-

“2020 is pretty sweet, right?” Alex asks, and Luke looks up at him from his spot on the floor.

“I guess, yeah. A lot changed in 25 years.”

“Yeah. I mean, Willie was catching me up on stuff. People are cooler about...sexuality stuff.”

He nods. Julie had barely even blinked when he’d told her he was bi. “Way cooler.”

“A lot of rock stars are out now.”

“Yeah. It’s kinda crazy.”

“I’m really happy here.”

Luke considers that. He’s pretty sure he is too. Maybe that’s the weird feeling he’s been dealing with for the past few months. He feels settled, in a way he never felt when he was alive. Like he’s doing things for himself, without letting anyone down along the way.

“I am too.”

“I want to know that we’re cool, man.”

“We are.”

Alex sighs, in that way that says he knows Luke. “Then why do you keep staring at me with your sad puppy eyes.”

“I don’t have sad-”

“You do.”

Luke grumbles, in a way that indicates that’s just his face. “We would have been happy.”

Alex takes his hand. “You have me, Luke. And I have you. You’re not going to lose me.”

Alex has always felt just one slip from falling through his fingers, and Luke has never known what to do except to cling on, to make a space for himself that’s so solid that there’s no doubt. 

But maybe- maybe letting go is the way to safety. A leap of faith.

“I have you.”

“I’m here. For as long as we get. And Reggie, and Julie, and Willie- we’re each others’.”

Luke smiles a little. “You sound pretty sure of that.”

“I am. I don’t know much, but...I know you. We’re gonna be okay.”

“Don’t leave.”

“Wouldn’t have anywhere else to go. Home is us. Remember?”

“I remember.”

They sit and Luke deflates. He’s been trying so hard and realizing he doesn’t have to makes him so tired.

Sometimes, it feels like he’s been tired for years.

XV. 1995

They never make it to the Orpheum.

It’s an irrational thought to have when you’re dying. Luke knows he should be concerned with the fact that he’s burning up, but there’s some strange part of his mind that wants to believe this isn’t real, that he’ll wake up at home any minute and find out this is some weird anxiety dream. 

Dying hurts, is the second thought he has. The only other experience he has with death is his grandfather, and they always told him he went peacefully. There’s no peace in this. Just holding tight to your best friend’s hand, trying to find a pulse while he sucks in as much oxygen as he can, fighting for another breath. But it hurts and he’s tired.

He holds onto Alex and Reggie’s hands as hard as he can. He feels himself slipping. But he’s not alone. He has his family, and they’re together, and he remembers something his mom told him once, when he asked why everything was so unfair. 

“Sometimes we have to trust that things are gonna be okay. Sometimes, we just have to let go. A leap of faith.”

He gets the strangest feeling that things are going to be okay.

So Luke lets go.

XVI. 2020

It starts again with a box.

The last box to unpack from the loft, in fact. It’s, unsurprisingly, more song lyrics. 

“What are these?” Julie asks, reading intently.

Luke stares. The only songs they hadn’t found yet were.

The ones about Alex. The ones he’d shoved in his backpack on his way out of the house so his parents wouldn’t know.

“They’re Alex’s songs.”

Alex looks up at that and takes them from Julie. He reads them over and Luke takes a deep breath. Letting go.

“They’re good.”

“Yeah?”

He nods and Julie settles behind Alex, reading over with him. They’re a formidable pair. 

Julie smiles. “I like them. They’re sweet.”

Luke scoffs. “They’re not sweet.”

She rolls her eyes. “I just meant...it seems like you’re different now. More grown up. It’s nice seeing what you were like then.”

He nods. He does feel older, way older than he expected to feel.

He sits between Alex’s legs, whose hands immediately find his hair. Reggie’s leg dangles next to his head, and Julie’s hand rests on his shoulder.

“You know what this means?” Luke says.

“Hmm?”

“Fresh start. Wouldn’t want to cover old Luke’s material.”

Alex laughs. “Gonna start a new ghost life?”

“Maybe. You wanna come with?”

Reggie chuckles. “You’re stuck with us.”

Home is us, he hears Alex saying.

“Stuck with each other.”

“Someone has to keep you out of trouble,” Alex says.

“You let us eat rotten hot dogs.”

“Never said it was me.” He turns to look at Julie.

“Fair enough.”

They sit in peace and Luke closes his eyes. He has Julie, has Alex, has Reggie. And he finds it doesn’t matter what to call what they have. He’s not alone, and he’s never going to be. And he’s enough. What they have is enough.

Caleb got one thing right. Long live the dead.


End file.
